Lewis Times

Gymboree is the Banana Republic of kids stores. In other words a t-shirt that cost $9.00 at one store would cost $25 at the other. The higher price bares no correlation to quality of material, the extra $14 dollars simply infers that because the product was bought from The BR, the person who wears it is better then everybody else.
I am one of the few humans carting around more testosterone then estrogen that has stepped inside a Gynboree. Therefore I write with the passion of a war prisoner, and/or a teenager who has been as far as second base. I report to my male friends what they have not experienced for themselves, although i am sure by now most of my friends have been further then second base....well, except for Josh.
Gymboree’s website says that they carry, “ stylish high-quality children's clothing and accessories in sizes newborn to age 12.” I have only experienced being a parent for a year but if there is one thing that i have learned, it is that a kid does not need “high quality clothes.”
My beautiful little daughter @#$%’s herself on average 3 times a day. She eats five times a day and when she is finished her shirt is covered with everything from breast milk, to soggy Captain Crunch. Half the time we have to wash her hair twice a day because she rubs butter and banana’s into it. Now I ask you, is this the kind of person that should be wearing high quality clothing? Here is a good rule of thumb. If you need to put a plastic waterproof barrier on a person to prevent fecal matter from destroying their clothing, then said clothing doesn’t not need to be high quality. Therefor, no newborn, toddler, extreme senior citizen or really really drunk person needs to purchase clothing from Gymboree.
My trip to Gymboree began with the best intentions. I have an incredibly cute niece in California. Her mom is obsessed with clothes for her little girl and often calls my wife to buy things in secret from “The Banana Republic of kids stores.” My sister in law does not want her husband to know that she is doing this because he, like me understands that his child will out grow these clothes in a matter of weeks and well, as i said before, someone who poops there pants does not need forty dollar jeans.
On a side note, i don’t mind when my sister in law buys expensive clothes because she often gives them to Amelia after her daughter outgrows them. I of course do not have a problem if my kid craps in a pair of jeans purchased by somebody else.
Anyway, Andria and I are very close to our Sister In Law so when she called my wife and said that there was a unicorn purse that her daughter just had to have for her birthday, Andria was happy to oblige.
Now this unicorn purse was the Tickle Me Elmo of toddler accessories. It was sold out everywhere, you couldn’t get it anywhere in California, it was sold out on line and everywhere in Utah with the exception of the Provo Gymboree where there were only two more in stock. Andria put it on hold and gave me a call. Reluctantly I found myself walking into a Gymboree for the very first time.
To imagine the kind of women that shop at this store you must look no further then the show House Wives of Orange County. I can only assume that most of the shoppers were from Alpine. Old Mormon ladies with fake boobs and to much make-up, or young Mormon moms spending the commission proceeds from their husbands summer sales at APX. Then there was me. Messy hair, an untrimmed beard, jeans and a Vandals t-shirt. Standing in line with these ladies made me feel poor and hopeless, They looked at me like I was a pair of Payless loafers on a Gucci rack. What the @#$% are you doing here? You are way out of your tax bracket buddy.
The lady in front of me was their queen bee. The Devil in Prada had four bags filled to maximum capacity with Gymboree clothes. I estimated the total price amount being around $1,002,134.00. The following conversation ensued. Keep in mind that a heavy Utah accent was being used by both parties. The predominate sound in this accent is made by dropping the T from the end of a word and replacing it with a hard ah sound like saying the word hat without the T. E.g. Me and Mah Lewis went to McDonalds and got a mill dill (meal deal). You get the point.
Um I didn’t geh any points for these clothes and i dient (didn’t) rillize (realize) ieh (it) tell i walked away.
Oh OK well just count em out and give you the points.
Can I just do it on the the side?
Of course.
The cashier then turned here attention to me. Can I help you?
Um yeah i am here to pick up a purse.
Mah (matt)?
Yep.
She then handed me the ugliest damn purse I have ever seen in my life. it looked like a stuffed horse that someone had won upstairs at Circus Circus in 1992. There was a horn that looked more like a carrot then a golden sphere that had the power to neutralize poison. ( I did a bit of research). It was like someone took a pair of scissors and cut a slit down the animal’s spinal chord then said, “ see you can put $%^& in it, it’s a purse.” I could just feel the lady judging me.
Oh my heck thah is the cuuest little thing i have ever seen. Do you have any more.
The lady behind me also piped up. I love unicorns that is just so cute.
The clerk responded, I know we have been selling them like crazy, this is the last one.
I was becoming more aware of my position, they were jealous. I played it cool.
Yeah you can’t even get these online, I am actually buying it for a friend in California.
Oh my gosh you are so lucky. My daughter would just kill for that little thing.
Yeah I think my niece will really like it. I cringed at the $18 price tag but maintained a carefully crafted poker face.
Do you need a back for that?
No I’m cool, it’s bad for the environment.
Then, for dramatic effect, i did what might very well be the gayest thing i have ever done. I flung the purse over my shoulder and tossed my hair to the side. The straps were for a four year old girl and I am a full grown man a bit on the husky side so i am sure i looked like a complete idiot.
You ladies take care now.
Then I sashayed out the door and into my 1992 beat up Honda Civic.
I felt liberated. Let them have their Lexus SUV’s and their 6,500 square foot mansions on the East Bench. Let them eat at the Chef’s Table and wear high heels to court side seats at Jazz games where they cheer for the Lakers. For I had something they could never have. I stared at the ugly little purse on the stained front seat of my Civic. Aliisha better pay me back for this think i thought. Then I drove home.

January 11, 2010

While in California, we couldn't help but go to Disneyland! We knew Amelia was probably a little young for it, but we love it anyways, and we had free tickets, so we couldn't pass it up! Our friend, Margaret who lived nearby came with us, and was a huge help to us. Amelia did great, even though we don't quite know if she enjoyed herself...she might have been a little overstimulated by everything.